The Annual Migration of Wealth, Decorative Pillow Logic & Garish Displays of Christmas Present

Since my Substack is pretty much new, I first want to remind you that the ENTIRE premise of my Substack is that I’m literally just sharing short stories about my family that I’ve previously published in one of my annual Christmas letters.

You may also recall that I used to be able to send these stories out unedited. Wow. Those were the days! But no longer. My wife now retains the right of first refusal. That’s fair. Fortunately, she doesn’t seem to take this job all that seriously so I still sneak in some content that maybe I shouldn’t.

Here goes…

THE ANNUAL MIGRATION OF WEALTH. It’s Christmas. Also known as the annual migration of wealth. Our boys are at the age where they basically just ask for cash. Christmas morning feels like the reading of a will. “And to my youngest, I bequeath $300, four $25 gift cards and all the change in the couch…”

DECORATIVE PILLOW LOGIC. I’ve been reading a lot about minimalism. Or, as my wife prefers to call it, devil worship. Dana is more of a maximalist. Good thing, I suppose. Otherwise, the decorative pillow industry might implode. Who else would buy this pillow from a store without finding that the slightest bit ironic?

GARISH DISPLAYS OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Are you one of those people who loves that It’s a Small World ride, but feels it is simply too subtle and understated? If so, you’d absolutely love our living room this Christmas. It looks like Elvis, the Ghost of Christmas Past and Liberace drained a bottle of Absinthe, then went on an Etsy bender. It is my wife’s Magnum Opus.

MY WIFE’S POV

My wife is the perfect capitalist. This is never more in full display than during the Holiday Season. Every year presents the opportunity to outdo the prior year. The more outrageous the better. Think of her as our family’s version of Mr. Beast. Unlimited ambition. Unlimited budget (not really but let’s just pretend).

Thankfully, I suppose, she directs this “Double Espresso” energy toward the interior of our house, not the exterior. I’m grateful. This saves me the embarrassment and cost of regularly burning out the neighborhood’s energy grid with an overstimulated Disneyesque display of Christmas lights.

No, her tools are simpler and more traditional. Gnomes. Nutcrackers. Nativity Scenes. Festive Candles. Snow Globes. Gingerbread Houses. Elves on Shelves. And of course, Decorative Pillows. Her unique talent is to mash these together so tightly in our living space that even a hoarder would say, “you might want to let that room breathe a bit more”. Let’s put it this way. She makes the house that Demi Moore bought to stash her 1,000 dolls appear understated and perfectly normal.

Now I understand that this rant might come off as if it is representing my POV, not my wife’s POV. Strangely, it represents both of our POV’s with complete accuracy. I guess it just depends how you look at things.

From my wife’s POV, her actions are nothing short of heroic. She creates the most memorable Christmas experiences living and breathing the philosophy that “more is better”. To be fair, there is no mistaking the Christmas season in our house.

FINAL THOUGHTS

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