Learning to Speak in “Air Quotes”, Boys Who Eat Like Blind-Folded Monkeys & Questionable Fashion Sense

Welcome to my latest publication of Domestic Chaos Theory…

Learning to Speak in “Air Quotes”. I love using air quotes. For instance, My wife knows I can’t do lunch with my in-laws without my “medicine”. (Jack Daniels and a horse tranquilizer.) Now she wants to use air quotes too. She just doesn’t know where to put them. For instance, after getting this lousy birthday present from me, she told her friends, Check out this amazing present my “husband” bought me. The quotes belong around amazing, but she puts them around husband. Sadly, it still works. Damn beginner’s luck.

Boys Who Eat Like Blind-Folded Monkeys. My boys are slobs. In fact, my youngest eats like he’s not entirely sure where to put food. I think he would actually get less messy if a blind-folded monkey just threw food at his face. For the record, I do distinctly remember requesting that my wife give birth to girls, not boys. So, I feel like this is mostly her fault.

Questionable Fashion Sense. I was born with zero fashion sense. For instance, sometimes I’ll head out the door in cargo pants. Or a shirt gifted to me at the county fair by the local pest control company. Assuming she catches me, my wife will cringe. “Aren’t you embarrassed for yourself?” My response? “I suppose I’m slightly embarrassed. But actually, I’m more embarrassed for you. Because people are going to think that you dressed me like this”. If you’re a guy, this seems like a very clever response. I checked around. Apparently, it is not.

MY FAMILY’S POV

I think I’ve previously mentioned that because my boys can’t imagine that anyone they know still reads for pleasure, they don’t generally have a problem writing about them. However, they did make it clear that they don’t want me posting actual pictures of them. As such, the picture above is merely a representation. An amazingly accurate one. But a representation.

With regard to my wife, there’s really nothing for her to complain about in these stories. The air quotes story actually makes her look like some kind of savant. And calling out my bad fashion sense is actually a public service, the way she sees it.

Again, my wife is more into pictures than words. So, while the comic-book style representations above are obviously not her, she has insisted that she review each one to make sure they’re sufficiently attractive. My wife has a very pronounced “vanity” muscle.

FINAL THOUGHTS

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Thanks!