Powering the Grid With My Wife’s Anxiety, Day Drinking and Yelling Like an Old Man

Welcome to my latest publication of Domestic Chaos Theory…

Powering the Grid With My Wife’s Anxiety. The price of electricity in California is nuts. Then it occurred to me. Why not just power our grid using my wife’s natural anxiety? After all, she is a fantastic worrier. I actually think that angst may be her superpower. Don’t believe me? Check this out. My wife has expressed extreme anxiety at some point this year about each of the following, listed in ascending order of importance: 1) Artificial Intelligence, 2) An Alien Invasion, 3) Decorative Pillow Tariffs, 4) Shark Attacks and 5) Snakes Crawling Through the Sewer System Up into Toilets. She says all women do this. I’m not so sure. On the other hand, I do know that my mother-in-law does it. She’s like an angst supernova. I’m pretty sure I’d need a permit to hook her up, since she could bust the entire grid. God bless her.

Day Drinking. Occasionally, my wife invites me to sub into her weekly girls’ pickleball game. She swears that pickleball is a sport. I’m not so sure. It feels more like an excuse for a party. Let’s just say this. When the leaf blower guy asks you to dial down the noise because he’s having a hard time concentrating on his work, it could be a sign that your group might be doing too much day drinking.

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Yelling Like an Old Man. My wife doesn’t like the fact that I’m getting older. For one thing, she says I no longer talk like a normal person. Claims I now respond to anything she’s saying by just yelling. I guess it is possible I’m turning into my grandfather. However, the graph below suggests an entirely different possibility.

MY WIFE’S POV

One of the things that really drives my wife nuts is when I point out things that she has definitely inherited from her mom. She loves her mom. So, you think she might take this as a positive. Apparently not.

My mother-in-law is a first-class worrier. She actually invented the concept of “pre-worry”, where you compete to beat others to worrying about new subjects. Things that will never happen.

Here’s a short list of things that currently worry my mother-in-law. Most of which involve me. (I know about this list because she had it hand delivered it me by an express courier.)

- That the running toilet in her guest bedroom will overflow and somehow cause her to drown.

- That I, and therefore her daughter, will run out of money. (To be honest, that one’s not far off.)

- That I will have her committed to a nursing home if she tries to move in. (Again, not far off.)

On a separate note, have you noticed how I select attractive, youngish models to portray my wife in all of my stories? That’s no accident. It’s actually kind of a contractual relationship between us. Make no mistake. My wife is very attractive. And yet, is she currently employed as a model?

FINAL THOUGHTS

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