Spousal Gaslighting, Social Media Etiquette & The Best Daycare Ever

Since my Substack is brand new, I first want to remind you that the ENTIRE premise of my Substack is that I’m literally just sharing short stories about my family like the ones previously published in one of my annual Christmas letters.

You may also recall that I used to be able to send these stories out unedited. Wow. Those were the days! But no longer. My wife now retains the right of first refusal. That’s fair. Fortunately, she doesn’t seem to take this job all that seriously so I still sneak in some content that maybe I shouldn’t.

Here goes…

Spousal Gaslighting. Unfortunately, my wife treats my cell phone like her personal pager or walkie talkie. Call me. Call me NOW. Call me!!!!!!!!!!! What’s up? The dishwasher is making a funny noise. I have since asked her to separate real emergencies (e.g., mom just fell into a sinkhole) from mundane household projects. This got me nowhere. I then asked my new best friend, ChatGPT, for help. In the voice of the King James Bible. Here’s what I got. And it came to pass that the Lord spoke unto the people, saying: “Verily, thou may hunt down and chastise thy husband in the case of emergencies, and lo, great comfort shall be provided.” And the wives did as the Lord commanded, and several panic attacks were hence avoided. And it was good. But behold, some wives were not content to devote their hysteria to actual emergencies, and gradually they did add “the bathroom sink isn’t draining” and “I’m worried about my mother” to their “why call 911 when I can call my husband” behavior. And the Lord looked down upon these modifications, and He was wroth. For He had not commanded such spousal gaslighting. And the Lord spoke unto the wives, saying: “Thou shalt not hunt down your husbands like common criminals, simply because you think you saw a mouse.” And the wives heeded the words of the Lord, and they did try to stop channeling Will Smith at the Oscars according to His commandment. And it was so. Amen.

Social Media Etiquette. When it comes to utilizing the word of the Lord to modify behavior, my wife is better than I am. She especially enjoys commandments. Examples include…

1) Thou shalt not post an unflattering photo of me.

2) Thou shalt not fail to post all flattering photos of me.

3) Thou shalt basically just check with me on what to do any time you see a photo with me in it.

The Best Daycare Ever. I read a story the other day about a kid who had been raised by wolves. Seriously? You mean there are wolves out there who would have been willing to raise my kids? I’ll bet his parents saved a fortune on food! Our boys eviscerate food. Like velociraptors. Even worse, they’ve started drinking my booze. And that’s where I’ve drawn the line. (Not all heroes wear capes.) Now I hide my booze with the household cleaning materials. I’m pretty sure that the thought of cleaning the house at some point has never even crossed their minds. Problem solved

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MY WIFE’S POV

I think it is important to note that my wife doesn’t think I’m funny. Having said that, she seems to appreciate the fact that some people think I’m funny. She just doesn’t.

That doesn’t stop my wife from giving me humor ideas. She’s literally a fountain of ideas. (Or, in my case, a broken fire hydrant that never gets repaired.)

Here’s the problem. She adores physical humor. Like Kramer on Seinfeld. Or Jim Carrey in The Mask. Or me accidentally falling on a sheet of ice.

I’ll admit that this stuff is funny but protest that I’m a writer, not an actor. Kramer and Jim Carrey exaggerate in person. I exaggerate on paper.

She doesn’t get it. And so it goes. As the French say, “Isn’t that Jerry Lewis just hilarious?”

To be fair, she absolutely LOVED my Yep/Nope photos. In a way, that’s kind of physical humor anyway. On top of that, I used a pretty much rocking hot model to represent her in the photo. That played very well. And on top of that, she also thinks the story is a modern parable and an important life lesson. That comment kind of gives you an important window into her value system.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with someone who might be interested. I’d really appreciate it.

I’m also interested in your comments.

Thanks!