Welcome to my latest publication of Domestic Chaos Theory…
The Seventh Stage of Hell. OK. I get it. I don’t understand interior design. To me, it is simply an excuse to move everything in our house all around. Like we’re playing a game of musical chairs with the furniture. (Damn two-ton armoire!) But my wife, and her friends, take it very seriously. Believe it or not, she obtained a quote from a “designer” to Feng Shui our house. I countered with an offer that I could watch a YouTube video and do it for free. She went with the designer. Someone that I’ve displayed with complete accuracy in the photo below.
Locust Infestations. Our boys eat a lot of food. They consume everything. Dinner around here is like the Squid Game. I’ve responded in two ways. First, I titrate food quality. While this doesn’t reduce food consumption, it does reduce cost. (Apparently my boys will eat dog kibble.) Second, I hide the good food. Trust me, no boy of mine is going anywhere near a box marked “open this if you feel guilty about not doing any chores here”.
Mythical Husbands. After 25+ years of marriage, my wife somehow believes that I’m still going to magically mutate into the perfect husband. Probably through force of her will. I’ve got news for her. The perfect husband (someone who regularly vacuums the living room, fixes the dishwasher without being asked and calls his mother-in-law “just to chat”) does not exist. Finding the perfect husband would be like seeing the Loch Ness monster. Or a Yeti. Or Bigfoot. They only exist in my wife’s imagination. Having said that, my wife’s imagination is pretty active.
MY FAMILY’S POV
Any story that compares me to Bigfoot is pretty much a home run in my wife’s eyes. To be fair, I do have very big feet (size 14). And I am large. And I’m very difficult to capture on film.
Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer? You know, asking for serenity to accept what can’t be changed, courage to change what can, and wisdom to know the difference. Well, my wife has heard of it. And believes she has tons of wisdom. And her wisdom is telling her that everything about me can (and should) be changed.
Since I mentioned wisdom, she knows she is smart enough to keep me a safe distance away from anything to do with style.
FINAL THOUGHTS
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Thanks!