The Waiting Line to Worry Just Got Shorter, Bad Investments in Your Children & Chore Fails

Welcome to my latest publication of Domestic Chaos Theory…

The Waiting Line to Worry Just Got Shorter. I’ve already established that my wife is a worrier. But since straight-up worrying doesn’t seem to satisfy her emotionally, she has established a whole new class of worrying. It’s something I call pre-worry. See, when you’re worried, it pertains to things that actually could happen. My husband went skydiving and I’m worried he might forget to open his chute. By contrast, pre-worry involves things that haven’t even happened yet. And are unlikely to ever happen. My husband, who has never previously displayed any interest in skydiving, might inexplicably develop an interest and then forget to open his chute. I’m increasingly growing pre-worried that my wife might end up in a mental institution.

Bad Investments in Your Children. My son bought an underwater camera. The picture on the left is the complete return on investment of the purchase of not one, but two of these (since the first one got lost). I think it is safe to say that you shouldn’t have my son manage your stock portfolio.

Chore Fails. Household chores suck. You know what sucks even worse? Having someone who thinks their chore is to be the boss of your chore. Filling the dishwasher is my chore. (To be fair, I failed at so many other chores that it was kind of the last chore left.) Having said that, I feel like I’ve become pretty good at it. Apparently not. My wife routinely opens up the dishwasher. And asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with this picture?” Occasionally I’ll say something that feels really smart in the moment like, “The fact that someone filling a dishwasher requires a supervisor?” Which literally never works out in my favor. Man, those hunter gatherers didn’t know how good they had it.

MY FAMILY’S POV

Firstly, my wife loves it when I put myself down instead of her. So, obviously, the dishwasher thing (and my failure at indoor chores in general) is a huge hit with her. Other chores at which I’m grossly deficient include:

- Replacing the decorative pillows on the couch (to be fair, decorative pillows are stupid)

- Folding the laundry (I find it easier to toss it into a pile and fish out what I’d like to wear0

- Peeing and missing the toilet (to be fair, this isn’t really a chore, but she asked me to include it so that people know what she’s up against)

In my defense, I am reasonably capable of outdoor chores. Especially watering. I realize that watering barely counts as a chore. It is about as challenging as fishing. (Which reminds me of a funny Steven Wright line – there’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.) Like fishing, it is mostly an excuse to consume beer. Listen, when you don’t have that much going for you, you’ve got to take your wins where you can find them.

My wife also liked my pre-worry story. Mostly because she isn’t really a reader. Or into any kind of detail. So, she didn’t actually read the whole story. (Let’s put it this way. She’s not the person you’d want doing your taxes.) She mostly just thought the picture was funny. As was the idea of me falling out of the plane for picking on her. Which wasn’t really the point of the story. Except to her.

I asked my son to give me a POV on the story I included about him. He said he would do so only if I paid him to do so. (That’s the kind of relationship we’ve got going now that he is older.) I mentioned that maybe he’d find the story embarrassing. He told me that nobody he knows actually reads things for pleasure anyway. But if I put it on TikTok, that might be another story. Good to know. I might need leverage over this kid some day.

FINAL THOUGHTS

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